I’ve had the pleasure and privilege of working with all kinds of people. Like the children’s story about the three bears and the porridge, when it comes to talking, there are three kinds of people those who talk way too much, those that talk way too little and those that talk “just right”. Talking “just right” is a skill worth working towards.

I’ve also worked with introverts and extroverts. It’s harder for an extrovert to learn when to keep quiet than it is for an introvert to learn when to speak their mind. The following deals with the former – learning when to shut up. It’s all about learning to say the right thing, at the right time, in the right situation.

Mistakes and missed opportunities are part of our growth in life. There will be times when we speak out instead of remaining silent and there will be times we are silent when a voice should come forth. – When to Speak up and When to Shut up – Michael Sedler

Personally, I’m more on the extrovert side and the times my mouth has gotten me in trouble far outweigh the times where biting my tongue had the same effect.

If you are looking to get recognized and promoted, it’s essential that you find the balance.

When to Speak and When to Shut Up, by Michael Sedler is an excellent outline offering advice and relevant examples. It provides insights into the cost and purpose of silence and the art of asking good questions. If you are challenged by this issue, I’d highly recommend the book.

I couldn’t possible do the book justice in such a small space so I’ll simply outline my own sense of when it makes sense to keep quiet.

Hold your tongue when:

1 – You are cutting someone else off.

Should you find yourself saying things like “I’m sorry for interrupting but…” the truth is, you aren’t sorry at all. What you are really saying is “I haven’t the patience to listen to your mediocre information anymore, this is important and we need to get it right – my version of right.” Those aren’t your words but that is certainly what is being received; not only by the person who you shut down, but by those around them too.

If you want to sound like you care, you need to look like you care. Even if you are right and they are wrong. Not cutting people off is a difficult skill to learn. Just keep this in the back of your mind and remember it the next time you hear yourself apologizing for it.

2 – You’re talking just to fill the silence.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people believe you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. – Mark Twain

No doubt about it, silence is awkward – especially for an extrovert. There is almost a cultural pressure to fill that void. The problem is that there are lots of occasions where opportunities are missed by not letting that silence run it’s natural course.

Many people need time to process information, to rationalize, to come to their own conclusion, and to make decisions. Interrupting that processing time accelerates a not yet finished process. It’s an interruption that is quite similar to cutting off someone’s sentence, you are simply cutting off their thought process. Give them time and make sure they are not simply preparing their response.

Another benefit of not rushing to fill the silence is that you will likely learn something you would not have learned otherwise. If the other person feels you are giving them time, they are more likely to fill the void with information what would have remained hidden otherwise.

One of the worst things we can say, in most situations, is anything that serves no purpose other than to fill the void.

3 – You are about to respond with sarcasm.

I rarely use sarcasm. Not because I can’t, just because, it serves no purpose other than maybe – just maybe – making me feel good. It’s right up there with implied contempt.

If you find yourself making negative witty remarks that may actually get a laugh or two, stop. Think for a minute about how the recipient of your wit will feel and react.

I learned this lesson the hard way. After a particularly stressful planning session where it seemed to take forever to move the ball forward mere inches, I said: “Well, that was fun”. It was an attempt at levity and it got a few chuckles.

I was approached by one of my respected colleagues later and challenged on my comment. It went something like “You know we all worked pretty hard today and, even though it doesn’t look like we made much progress, we covered quite a bit of ground and are in a great starting position for the next step.” Maybe not the exact words, but something close to that. The truth is that we did indeed work well together and come to consensus on some key points. My “well that was fun” was received poorly, regardless of the good intentions at levity. A much better response, would have been to summarize what my colleague said: “This was tough but we made progress – it’s great to be able to collaborate this way even though at times it isn’t easy”.

Which do you thing would position me as a leader: the funny and witty sarcasm, or the thoughtful and realistic summary of our accomplishment?

We probably all have examples of things we said with good and light-natured intentions that weren’t taken the right way.

If you regularly use sarcasm – stop. It may be funny but it doesn’t position you as a leader.

4 – You are talking about yourself.

The only time it makes sense to talk about yourself is in a job interview and, some would say, even then blowing your own horn needs a special touch not to be seen as promotional of bragging.

There is a fine line in talking about yourself to outline what the summary of a task, project, accomplishment and talking about yourself to remind people how good and important you are.

It is however important, even critical, to promote your team’s successes. Tread lightly when you find yourself talking about your personal history and awards.

5 – What you are about to say will hurt someone’s feelings.

When speaking about someone else – always speak as if they could hear you. That doesn’t mean you can’t speak to your boss or a colleague about performance issues. It means you need to use compassion and understanding even if the person isn’t present. Being rude, abrupt, non-feeling will only get you in trouble.

You need to be viewed from 360 degrees as someone who builds people and strengthens them as opposed to someone who just tears people down.

6 – You aren’t listening more than you are talking.

This is a hard one for extroverts but an easy one for introverts.

It’s about balance. Introverts tend to process more and even enjoy absorbing what others have to say and learning from it. Extroverts like to share.

Have you ever been to an event like a musical or play where the person behind you never stops talking? They go on and on about everything from their shopping to their laundry to their trip? Eventually someone turns to them and asks them to keep quite (maybe not so politely).

That’s what it can be like in a business meeting when one person monopolizes all the conversation. They don’t pause to let others, maybe the introverts in the room, speak. They may be engaging and interesting but they are doing all the talking and learning nothing from others.

Don’t be that person.

Embrace the opportunity to have your thoughts challenged. Force yourself to give others opportunities to provide input and listen thoughtfully to what they have to say.

If people around you say things like “It feels like you like the sound of your own voice” that’s a sure sign you need to do something about it. Immediately. Take a course, read a book, get advice from a mentor. What ever it takes, fix it.

7 – You are about to gossip.

Enough said.

8 – When you have a big goal.

This one is a little unusual and counter intuitive. Conventional wisdom teaches us that the best way to ensure you complete a task is to tell someone about it. In other words, if you want to say, climb Mount Everest, the best way to make sure that happens is be telling someone that is your goal. Sound familiar?

Research has proven that the opposite is true. Four different studies by NYU professor Peter Gollwitzer concluded that people who people who shared their intentions publicly were less likely to achieve them than people who kept their intentions to themselves.

Here’s what really happens. The research showed that when someone tells someone about their goal, it provides a premature sense of completeness. It’s like the goal is already on the way to being achieved so the urgency is gone.

Another reason for not broadcasting your intentions is that, if you don’t achieve them people stop believing you and may even think you are a little flighty. That’s a risk.

It may seem odd to keep your intentions to yourself – especially given all the hype about Bid Hairy Audacious Goals (BHAG) but try it. If you do tell someone about a goal, make sure you don’t say it with satisfaction but instead say it with dissatisfaction. “I’m going to write a book – I’ve starting to think about my outline and I’m going to do it” (satisfaction) vs “I’ve been wanting to write a book for a long time, I know it’s going to be tough. Keep asking me how I’m doing so I can make sure it happens.”

9 – When the deal isn’t quite done.

You should stop talking when consensus is close but there is still a sense of doubt in the final outcome.
If you have ever taken a sales course, one of the first principles they teach you is the value of silence. When silence happens, the saying is: “The first one to talk loses.”

If you are looking to get recognized as a leader, every conversation is a sales conversation. Learn to enjoy the silence and listen for opportunities to truly understand the other person’s feelings and point of view.

10 – When you are angry.

When dealing with email, how many times have we heard to wait until tomorrow before hitting send. Or, in a confrontational conversation, “count to ten”.
We all know that the heat of the moment is the worst time to express our concerns yet some of us, myself included, just can’t help ourselves sometimes.
Apologizing later is a poor substitute for using better judgment in the first place.
Effective leaders use their judgment and rarely “explode”.

11 – When you’re about to ask a question that isn’t really a question.

If you are in a meeting that is near conclusion and you ask something like: “So we’re going to increase our efforts in this area and get the resources for that by reducing the time spent in this area in order to create a more inclusive and holistic portfolio?” You aren’t asking a question, you’re just demonstrating you were listening or trying to act smart by using the vernacular.
Don’t do it. If you are truly checking for understanding or confirming action items, that’s fine. If you just want people to know you were in the room, keep your mouth shut.

12 – When you’re drunk:

This one is a given (like not gossiping) but some times, it’s good to have a story to go with it.

One morning I came into the office to find out that one of my direct reports 2 levels down, was out for drinks with a group of friends and when he went to get cash from the ATM, the service was down so he couldn’t pay. He was embarrassed, frustrated and drunk. Not a great combination. I found out about it because, what he chose to do was take an annual report, lookup names and send a complaining email to every EVP and above in the company expressing his dissatisfaction. My boss, one of the EVPs was an exceptional soul, shared the email with me. I was furious. This was a large breach of trust.

This may seem like an exceptional story but, when people get a little alcohol in them, their sense of judgment erodes.
Keeping your mouth shut when alcohol may be lowering your inhibitions holds for not only email like the extreme case above but also for social company functions. You may think you are funny or engaging when talking to the CEO after 3 or 4 drinks but, think again. If you are at a company event you have two choices – don’t drink or don’t talk. The choice and consequences are yours.